So how hot was it? The ice maker in my fridge puked!

Based on the author’s interpretations and judgments of facts, data and events.

Humour columnist William Thomas. - William Thomas photo

Disclaimer: the following is William Thomas’s satirical take on the weather.

The title of a timely bestseller just out is “The Heat Will Kill You First: Life And Death On A Scorched Planet.” Scary? Read this book in a place that has a clear path to the john.

According to the author, Jeff Goodell, the planet is on fire and if humans and animals cannot find shelter in cool places, they — we — will simply perish. In Texas, where the author lives, they are now facing the dilemma of cranking up air conditioning to survive and at the same time closing down businesses and schools so as not to explode the power grid.

Death by heat is hardly a scenario set in the future. In the summer of 2021, there were 619 heat-related deaths in British Columbia alone. Staggering. In early July, the Earth set back-to-back-to-back heat records of average heat three days in a row.

Sadly, Jeff Goodell suffered a heat stroke and died before he received his first royalty cheque.

OK, that one I made up, but we are in serious trouble here. A tale of strong storms, fatal hurricanes, more tornadoes, incinerated towns and massive floods — this book is not a “feel-good” read. So how hot has it been?

These following fictitious scenarios may draw a clearer picture:

It was so hot that meteorologists quit using phrases like “heat wave” and “heat dome” and went straight to “Hell!”

It was so hot that at CNN, during a commercial break, a camera caught Wolf Blitzer dropping a Popsicle down his shorts.

It was so hot that at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump removed the files with America’s top secret nuclear codes from his basement fridge and replaced them with cans of beer.

It was so hot that in Fort Erie, Canadian Border Services officers were allowing supersoaker guns to be smuggled in from the States ... legally.

It was so hot that at the Toronto Indy, some spectators passed out, thereby missing out on toxic exhaust fumes, ear-splitting noise and the excitement of cars going around and around and around — not to mention the wanton waste of perfectly good champagne! (I hope that did not sound critical of car racing.)

It was so hot that in Port Colborne, during Canal Days, organizers plan to stage the Classic Car Show in the canal!

It was so hot that at Queen’s Park, Premier Doug Ford postponed his plan to pave over the Toronto Zoo.

It was so hot that at the LCBO, shoplifters were passing on the single malt scotch and going straight to the mojito coolers.

It was so hot that in Bracebridge, Ontario, the guy who keeps driving through the Tim Hortons naked ordered an iced cappuccino and let it slip through his hands on purpose.

It was so hot that in Toronto, Mayor Olivia Chow found a cool discarded tank top and thong outfit that happened to fit her … in John Tory’s old office.

It was so hot that in Rome, Pope Francis referred to El Niño as a “little s---heel.”

It was so hot that in Palo Alto, Elon Musk was caught by the paparazzi twerking above a block of ice.

It was so hot that in Florida, Gov. Ron DeSantis put a temporary ban on burning books with over 200 pages.

It was so hot that in my house, I told Alexa to turn up the AC and she told me to go pound salt.

It was so hot that in Ottawa, the prime minister announced that the upcoming public hearing on foreign interference will be held at Dairy Queen.

It was so hot that off the coast of Newfoundland, James Cameron took a submersible down to the Titanic to see if there was anything left of that iceberg.

It was so hot that at Queen’s Park, Premier Doug Ford “bestowed the honour of DDC” on cabinet member Caroline Mulroney, making her King’s Counsel/Dickie Dee Certified.

It was so hot that Correctional Service of Canada officials were transferring convicted killers to minimum-security facilities in refrigerated trucks.

It was so hot that in Niagara Falls, some guy went over the Horseshoe Falls in a barrel just to feel the mist.

It was so hot that in Arizona, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, hunkered down in the dry heat, changed the name of his company from Meta to Weta.

It was so hot that at Bell headquarters, they had to reduce their power source by shutting down service to 11 million Bell Satellite TV customers, who just assumed it was because of the rain.

It was so hot that in Ottawa, still on a mean streak, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre was seen poking holes in the bottom of plastic bottles of cold water destined for homeless people.

And finally, it was so hot that at the St. Catharines general hospital, doctors were performing rectal examinations using the Ove Glove.

For a comment or a signed copy of Thomas’s “The Legend Of Zippy Chippy,“ email [email protected].

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